Another hospitalization and surgery behind me. I spent 2 weeks at The Christ Hospital for a bowel obstruction which resulted in a colostomy. Fun times. I'm working on getting better but am unable to eat or drink very much. I have again disrupted my kids' lives. But they and my sister and brother-in-law have been so supportive. I am lucky in that. I will miss another holiday pool party tomorrow because I'm just not up to going. It's one thing after another. 
I am trying hard not to sink too far into depression - just far enough to easily get back. I can't seem to rally this time. 
My grandson is 11 months old and the sweetest, smartest baby of all. He brightens up even my darkest days and helps me keep my head above water. 
I apologize to anyone reading this for being so negative in this post. I'll try to be better next time.

Patio and more

After a spring of rain, rain, and more rain, I finally got my patio. They finished it today and I just have to water it twice daily for seven days. Of course, it just rained some and it's supposed to rain today so I may not need to water until Thursday.
I spent last weekend (July 5-7) in the hospital. I had an anaphylactic reaction to one of the chemo drugs, was taken to the ER and was to be admitted for 24 hours observation. I ended up staying longer because my lacitc acid needed to come down and my blood pressure needed to go up. Fun times. And the best part is, they took me to Mercy West since the oncology office is in the attached medical office building and...wait for it...Mercy West is out of network for my insurance. I have no out of network coverage except for emergency care. The admission seems to be a maybe (at least that's what I get from reading my plan documents). So far, the hospitalist charges have been denied, but I will appeal if the hospital charges are approved. It's not like we didn't try to find out if I needed to be transferred to Christ Hospital. Customer service wasn't available on a Friday evening. The nurse did make sure my discharge on Sunday was timed to get me home in time for the Women's World Cup Final. And let me just say "USA"
Oh, and the hospital stay meant that I missed the Independence Day celebration at my sister-in-law's house on the 6th. I even bought a new swim suit so I could get in the pool with my grandson. Maybe  next time.

Spring

It's been a rainy, not great spring. That's not to say there haven't been some good moments.

My grandson is the cutest baby ever (independently verified by strangers). He is 4 days shy of 8 months old and has such a great personality. I'm pretty sure he's trying to make "grandma" his first word. We work on it together. 

My son-in-law's mother, Denise,  lost her battle with breast cancer last week. A very sad time. She was a force of nature with a beautiful smile. 

My new treatment worked for a while, but the most recent scan showed some growth (tiny growth) and my cancer marker (CA125) went up. No change in treatment yet. Monday my tummy blew up like a balloon. As you  may remember, bloating is like THE symptom of ovarian cancer. I don't see the doctor now for two weeks but the treatment nurse sent her a heads up and I was instructed to call if it gets any worse. I'm starting to get a little scared because treatments are being effective for shorter and shorter periods of time. Eventually we run out of options. I know some of the negative feelings are tied to the loss of  Denise, but I'm  just not ready to be finished yet. 

Not much else is going on. I push on. 

Thanks for "listening"

hello again

Well, the days of oral cancer medication are over. I am back in the treatment chair. Due to some growth and symptoms, my treatment has changed again. The new one is IV again and its goal is to shrink everything. Fingers crossed...
My cousin's son got married Saturday. What a fun, fun wedding. I saw my cousin who lives in Baltimore for the first time in many years. She hasn't aged at all. SO UNFAIR! haha  The bride and groom were so happy and everyone had a great time. My grandson went to the church and stole a lot of hearts while he was there. He is such a little charmer. He flashes his little smile and lights up the world. I love watching his personality develop.
In my last blog I said I would be watching him for a few hours each week. It isn't happening. My daughter got an internship on the days that she doesn't go to school and is now gone all day every day so the baby goes to daycare every day. Sad for me, but best for him. He stole the daycare director's heart his first day so I don't think she would give him up anyway.
I have absolutely NEVER regretted my decision to move. I love my house. It almost immediately felt like home.
The weather has been all over the place. 60s to -0s back to 50s. And everything in between. I like winter, but this is ridiculous. And so much rain!!!!
That's all I have for now. I know nobody really reads this (and I am happy about that) but it really does help go put thoughts to "paper".

blah

The new floor for my bedroom is all fucked up. When the installers were here Wednesday, they discovered still dog-pee wet padding when they removed the carpet. So they advised I use Kilz on the floor. One of the guys said he would try to get here today to put down the floor. He didn't make it. The other guy said he'll try to get here tomorrow. We'll see. In the meantime, I have clothes and furniture all over the house, the floor materials in the middle of he den floor...and 30 people coming for dinner on Tuesday. Trying to stay positive but it's getting tough.

I have been noticing on facebook lately the number of widows and widowers who have found love and are either remarried or in amazing relationships. I'm coming up on 21 years as a widow and am alone. I have to wonder what went wrong for me. And now, there's really no use in looking. Who wants to enter into a relationship with someone with chronic cancer? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, and a few wonderful friends, but it isn't the same.

On a happier note, my grandson is adorable!! It's so much fun to watch him change from week to week. As long as my health hold up, I will be watching him for a few hours on Mondays when my daughter-in-law goes back to work. I am so excited to have one-on-one time with him.

Ok Martha, take a deep breath...move forward...get ready for a great holiday!

It's November

The holidays are fast approaching. I ordered flooring for my bedroom Oct. 29th and Lowes forgot to gather the in stock materials and notify the installation company. So I finally called and now the floor won't be installed until 12/19. This makes it pretty much impossible for the new bed to be delivered and assembled before Christmas. NOT HAPPY!
My CA125 (cancer marker) is slowly rising. NOT HAPPY! I'm not symptomatic though so I'll just wait to see what January's scan shows.
My grandson is amazing! He is so cute and absolutely precious. Elizabeth and Bethany are great parents. HAPPY!
That's all for now. I try to maintain control of what I can control and adapt to what I can't. I'm just a bit frightened. Now that I have my grandson, I really want to be around to watch him grow.

Nonna

I am going to be a grandma...nonna. I am so excited. Elizabeth and Bethany are expecting a boy in October. I have already started shopping. 
So, disease-wise. The latest scan (4 days ago) shows that the nodules have all gotten smaller. The scan plus multiple chest x-rays show that there is no new pleural effusion. The only downside right now is that the medication that is doing such a great job keeping the cancer under control is also causing low platelets and hemoglobin. I need to walk very slowly, I get short of breath if I don't. So that leaves out dancing. :(  The plan is to get red blood cell transfusions as needed and let the medication keep working its magic on the disease. 
I am planning a trip in September. My friend, Mary Ellen and I are taking an all-inclusive cruise of New England. 
So much to look forward to: The house is going back on the market so I hope to be moving, the vacation, then the baby. All things considered, life's not too bad.