Another hospitalization and surgery behind me. I spent 2 weeks at The Christ Hospital for a bowel obstruction which resulted in a colostomy. Fun times. I'm working on getting better but am unable to eat or drink very much. I have again disrupted my kids' lives. But they and my sister and brother-in-law have been so supportive. I am lucky in that. I will miss another holiday pool party tomorrow because I'm just not up to going. It's one thing after another. 
I am trying hard not to sink too far into depression - just far enough to easily get back. I can't seem to rally this time. 
My grandson is 11 months old and the sweetest, smartest baby of all. He brightens up even my darkest days and helps me keep my head above water. 
I apologize to anyone reading this for being so negative in this post. I'll try to be better next time.

Patio and more

After a spring of rain, rain, and more rain, I finally got my patio. They finished it today and I just have to water it twice daily for seven days. Of course, it just rained some and it's supposed to rain today so I may not need to water until Thursday.
I spent last weekend (July 5-7) in the hospital. I had an anaphylactic reaction to one of the chemo drugs, was taken to the ER and was to be admitted for 24 hours observation. I ended up staying longer because my lacitc acid needed to come down and my blood pressure needed to go up. Fun times. And the best part is, they took me to Mercy West since the oncology office is in the attached medical office building and...wait for it...Mercy West is out of network for my insurance. I have no out of network coverage except for emergency care. The admission seems to be a maybe (at least that's what I get from reading my plan documents). So far, the hospitalist charges have been denied, but I will appeal if the hospital charges are approved. It's not like we didn't try to find out if I needed to be transferred to Christ Hospital. Customer service wasn't available on a Friday evening. The nurse did make sure my discharge on Sunday was timed to get me home in time for the Women's World Cup Final. And let me just say "USA"
Oh, and the hospital stay meant that I missed the Independence Day celebration at my sister-in-law's house on the 6th. I even bought a new swim suit so I could get in the pool with my grandson. Maybe  next time.

Spring

It's been a rainy, not great spring. That's not to say there haven't been some good moments.

My grandson is the cutest baby ever (independently verified by strangers). He is 4 days shy of 8 months old and has such a great personality. I'm pretty sure he's trying to make "grandma" his first word. We work on it together. 

My son-in-law's mother, Denise,  lost her battle with breast cancer last week. A very sad time. She was a force of nature with a beautiful smile. 

My new treatment worked for a while, but the most recent scan showed some growth (tiny growth) and my cancer marker (CA125) went up. No change in treatment yet. Monday my tummy blew up like a balloon. As you  may remember, bloating is like THE symptom of ovarian cancer. I don't see the doctor now for two weeks but the treatment nurse sent her a heads up and I was instructed to call if it gets any worse. I'm starting to get a little scared because treatments are being effective for shorter and shorter periods of time. Eventually we run out of options. I know some of the negative feelings are tied to the loss of  Denise, but I'm  just not ready to be finished yet. 

Not much else is going on. I push on. 

Thanks for "listening"

hello again

Well, the days of oral cancer medication are over. I am back in the treatment chair. Due to some growth and symptoms, my treatment has changed again. The new one is IV again and its goal is to shrink everything. Fingers crossed...
My cousin's son got married Saturday. What a fun, fun wedding. I saw my cousin who lives in Baltimore for the first time in many years. She hasn't aged at all. SO UNFAIR! haha  The bride and groom were so happy and everyone had a great time. My grandson went to the church and stole a lot of hearts while he was there. He is such a little charmer. He flashes his little smile and lights up the world. I love watching his personality develop.
In my last blog I said I would be watching him for a few hours each week. It isn't happening. My daughter got an internship on the days that she doesn't go to school and is now gone all day every day so the baby goes to daycare every day. Sad for me, but best for him. He stole the daycare director's heart his first day so I don't think she would give him up anyway.
I have absolutely NEVER regretted my decision to move. I love my house. It almost immediately felt like home.
The weather has been all over the place. 60s to -0s back to 50s. And everything in between. I like winter, but this is ridiculous. And so much rain!!!!
That's all I have for now. I know nobody really reads this (and I am happy about that) but it really does help go put thoughts to "paper".

blah

The new floor for my bedroom is all fucked up. When the installers were here Wednesday, they discovered still dog-pee wet padding when they removed the carpet. So they advised I use Kilz on the floor. One of the guys said he would try to get here today to put down the floor. He didn't make it. The other guy said he'll try to get here tomorrow. We'll see. In the meantime, I have clothes and furniture all over the house, the floor materials in the middle of he den floor...and 30 people coming for dinner on Tuesday. Trying to stay positive but it's getting tough.

I have been noticing on facebook lately the number of widows and widowers who have found love and are either remarried or in amazing relationships. I'm coming up on 21 years as a widow and am alone. I have to wonder what went wrong for me. And now, there's really no use in looking. Who wants to enter into a relationship with someone with chronic cancer? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, and a few wonderful friends, but it isn't the same.

On a happier note, my grandson is adorable!! It's so much fun to watch him change from week to week. As long as my health hold up, I will be watching him for a few hours on Mondays when my daughter-in-law goes back to work. I am so excited to have one-on-one time with him.

Ok Martha, take a deep breath...move forward...get ready for a great holiday!

It's November

The holidays are fast approaching. I ordered flooring for my bedroom Oct. 29th and Lowes forgot to gather the in stock materials and notify the installation company. So I finally called and now the floor won't be installed until 12/19. This makes it pretty much impossible for the new bed to be delivered and assembled before Christmas. NOT HAPPY!
My CA125 (cancer marker) is slowly rising. NOT HAPPY! I'm not symptomatic though so I'll just wait to see what January's scan shows.
My grandson is amazing! He is so cute and absolutely precious. Elizabeth and Bethany are great parents. HAPPY!
That's all for now. I try to maintain control of what I can control and adapt to what I can't. I'm just a bit frightened. Now that I have my grandson, I really want to be around to watch him grow.

Nonna

I am going to be a grandma...nonna. I am so excited. Elizabeth and Bethany are expecting a boy in October. I have already started shopping. 
So, disease-wise. The latest scan (4 days ago) shows that the nodules have all gotten smaller. The scan plus multiple chest x-rays show that there is no new pleural effusion. The only downside right now is that the medication that is doing such a great job keeping the cancer under control is also causing low platelets and hemoglobin. I need to walk very slowly, I get short of breath if I don't. So that leaves out dancing. :(  The plan is to get red blood cell transfusions as needed and let the medication keep working its magic on the disease. 
I am planning a trip in September. My friend, Mary Ellen and I are taking an all-inclusive cruise of New England. 
So much to look forward to: The house is going back on the market so I hope to be moving, the vacation, then the baby. All things considered, life's not too bad. 

much improved

All sorts of events since the last post.
First the bad stuff.
For some unknown reason (although the antibiotic for the sinus infection is a suspect) my blood counts got really off. Hemoglobin dropped substantially as did the white count and, in particular the neutrophils. The doctor was quite concerned which only heightened my anxiety. And this was all happening just a week before my planned vacation (a Christmas gift from my girls) and with my insurance still hanging in the balance. So, I temporarily discontinued the oral chemo drugs, received 2 units of packed cells and 2 neupogen shots (to raise my white count). I felt pretty good after the transfusion. 🙂
Now for the good stuff.
Our vacation in Destin, Florida was exactly what I hoped for. We went to the beach and the pool. We sat on the balcony watching and listening to the ocean. We talked a lot, played games and had a fantastic time.
My blood counts are good now. Only the hemoglobin is still a little low but not enough for concern. The chest xray shows no new pleural effusion. I'm back on the chemo drugs. I am having frequent CBCs and chest xrays to keep a close eye on everything. I feel pretty good and have a more positive outlook for now.
Oh...and my insurance was FINALLY reinstated 2 days ago.

Malignant

So the fluid was malignant. The doctor seemed very concerned and spoke about the fluid coming  back. If it comes back quickly, the current med isn't working. I don't know if she heard something or what, but she sent me for a chest x-ray and I need to have another one next week to see if there's new effusion.
In the meantime, I've had an awful sinus infection. I'm miserable.
To top it all off, I have yet to receive my COBRA information. I really need to get  my health insurance up and running. I have emailed and spoken to the HR manager at Job Corps but haven't heard back yet. I know they have up to 45 days to send me the information but it's been 32 days and I am freaking out. Nothing is easy. I've about had it.
Aren't I a bundle of joy?

scared

I'm getting a little scared. It seems like one thing after another is happening. The Doxil worked briefly then there was some growth while I was still in treatment. I also ended up with pleural effusion which can be caused by ovarian cancer. ("Pleural effusion is a condition in which excess fluid builds around the lung" )Tuesday I had 900ml of fluid drawn from around my right lung. I can take a deep breath now. I still have some pain with deep breaths which should have subsided shortly after the procedure. The doctor said not to worry when I called yesterday.  Although the lab results are available in "mychart" I am not looking at them. The fluid may or may not be malignant. My research indicates that, based on its color, there is a good chance that it is. I prefer to wait for the doctor to tell me during an appointment with my daughters with me.
I am on an oral maintenance drug now. I hope it works. I am  trying to stay positive but it is difficult. I am truly afraid for the first time since the recurrence.

Enough of that...

My girls gave me a vacation for Christmas. Next month, the three of us (their spouses are staying home) are going to Destin, Florida for a few days. I am very excited about going.

My house has been on the market since August but there has been no interest. Oh well. I may or may not list it again in the spring. 


That's enough for now. I'm not exactly a bundle of laughs. I am temporarily giving in to a mild case of self pity but will rally. I just have to get used to my new normal. 

Here I Go Again

The cancer has grown a bit and needs to be attacked. The hope was that I would be part of a study but I was disqualified due to a strange requirement. So Thursday I start a new poison. I will continue until it no longer works or I can no longer tolerate the side effects. This is not a 4-6 treatment plan. I am not happy.

Spring has Sprung

Jennifer and Justin's wedding was beautiful, fun, and all around perfect. The weather was beautiful. Since the officiant knows them well, he was able to personalize the ceremony to one that captured who they are. The reception was so much fun. They had a great band!!!! I danced all night.
Do you remember that part time job I was going to start? I quit before I even finished training. It just wasn't right for me. I am enjoying not working at all right now. I do go down to Job Corps for a few hours here and there to help train the new staff. That's enough for right now.
I have been going through belongings and donating a lot of items. I have also been cleaning carpets. When all is done, and the house is in pretty good order, I want to list it. I would really like to be living on one floor somewhere by the time I need aggressive chemo again. It's been almost two years so I won't be surprised if it pops up in the next year or so. I hope NOT, but I won't be surprised.
I got my hair cut. Then I wanted it even shorter with the next appointment. I like it, but plan to grow it back out to the length of the first cut. I am probably letting it go gray and really want it to be a bit softer.
Yes, I talked about my hair. That is how exciting my life is right now. My one complaint about retirement is that I spend even more time alone. I can go several days without actually seeing anyone else. I must remedy this. And I will...in time.

Time for sentimentality

18 months ago Jennifer and Justin became engaged. I had just been diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer. When they set the wedding for 18 months down the road, I worried that I may not be able to attend. But Jennifer was optimistic. And she was right. My cancer is still just sitting there quietly and the wedding is this Sunday. I will be partying with the best of them.
Now for the sentimentality part. At times like these Bob's absence is always staring me in the face. He would be so proud of the woman Jennifer has become and I know that he would love Justin. We will celebrate and the wedding will be wonderful, but just as it was when Elizabeth got married, he will be on my mind.
Also on my mind right now is my brother. He was so happy when Jennifer went to his home to tell Carol and him that she was engaged. He told her that he planned to dance at her wedding. She hoped that he would be able to walk her down the aisle. That was not to be. He will be sorely missed on Sunday.
The wedding will be wonderful and missing those who are gone will fade into the background where it belongs. Jennifer's brother will walk her down the aisle and it will be a wonderful walk. (if you're thinking that I only have daughters you are right. Jennifer has a very good friend who has been her "brother" since they met in 7th grade)
I continue to be grateful for every day, month, year that I get. I will always have this horrible disease but plan to live many years with it as my companion.
So, I cry at the drop of the hat right now. Not all of the tears are from sadness. My Jennifer is so happy. Justin is a good, caring man and he loves her so much.  Elizabeth and Bethany are happy and doing well. What more can a mother ask for?
Now...the only thing I am a bit worried about is the fact that I have not danced in a long dress in a long time...

So much has changed!

Hawaii was fantastic!! Here's a link to the pictures:  https://marthagoestohawaii.shutterfly.com/pictures

My sister had bypass surgery in October. She was quite the trooper - came through with flying colors. She is getting stronger every day. Of course, a little thing like coronary bypass surgery didn't prevent her from hosting Thanksgiving. Another amazing Thanksgiving spent with the Lushers.

Christmas was joyous. My children spoil me rotten and I spoil them all right back. The extended family joined us again for dinner and a great time was had by all.

So, remember the job that was just driving me crazy and wearing me down? It is in the past. I retired on January 6, 2017. I spent the first week resting and sleeping and am now starting small projects around the house. Next week I start training for a part time job in a pediatric office. I will be working one day/week.

The cancer seems to be under control right now and I've even lost a few pounds.

Now I get to look forward to Jennifer and Justin's wedding. I am so very excited about it.

Like I said, changes. I feel pretty damn good right now.

work is a four letterword

Work has been less than stellar of late. First my wonderful, skilled, incredible LPN up and quit. No notice. Just handed in her keys and badge to security on a Sunday. (later I would find out that a family emergency and some failed communication was in play). It should be easy to find a LPN who wants to work Monday-Friday, no weekends, no holidays, no evenings or nights. It isn't when you pay less than the average for your community. Finally I get a resume and someone interested in interviewing. He was great in the interview. I felt so lucky that the only one who was interested was such a good fit. WRONG!! He showed no initiative (certainly not self-directed at all), was slow to catch on. I didn't have a lot of time to train him but I did what I could and he assured me all was well and he was figuring things out. As a matter of fact, he said so on a Tuesday afternoon. The next morning we had new students and all of the testing, labs and paperwork that it involves. At 10:05am he told me he "just couldn't do it today". I said OK and the other staff and I stepped up. At 10:20, Tawanna (front desk clerk/dental assistant/ jane of all trades) said to me "I think he left". And he had. I understand from staff downstairs that he literally ran out of the building. So we are back to looking for a LPN and handling everything ourselves. No one to interview yet. The original LPN would like to return but upper management says no. I understand. She did leave without notice after all. But I really need someone and clinically she is amazing.
 So...today the dentist calls me tell me that he can not continue to work with the dental assistant. He feels she is actually a danger to the clinic. I got a little lost in what he was saying but the long and the short of it is that I am again faced with a dilemma. I don't have time to sit and observe them as they work to see who is right (she also claims he has some unusual practices). Interestingly enough, she has had complaints all along and I have encouraged her to talk with him. He has never said a word until now and he has never talked with her about his concerns. Why can't people communicate?  I don't want to have to worry about this shit right now!  I just can't lose another staff member or a provider. All in all, the job that I love has become so stressful over the past few months that I absolutely hate going in every day. Usually things look better when I work with the kids. Some are a pain but most are pretty good young people just trying to better their lives. But lately, it's hard to reach down and find the joy.
My trip to Hawaii is in 2 weeks and I am going whether or not we have a LPN (supposed to be getting a temp RN), whether or not the dental situation is settled. I am going to Hawaii where I will relax, rest and have fun with my dear friend, Debbie. Then I'll come home and figure out how to deal with everything - or not.

Scans and chemo and walks

I had a scan last week and it showed a couple of new areas of disease. They are small and sitting on (not in) the intestine and liver. No fluid which is a good thing. We will continue with the current course and get another scan in 3 months. This was disheartening, but to be expected. I hate this disease.

Today was the Teal Walk for ovarian cancer awareness. I was happy to be able to walk it this year. It broke my heart to see young women wearing the survivor T-shirt. The event raised almost $135,000. There was a survey asking if we think a mentoring program would be a good idea. I do. I also said that I would be willing to act as a mentor. Not everyone has the amazing support system that I have and I think I could be that for someone.

LIFE REALLY AND TRUELY SUCKS SOMETIMES!!!!

Here we are halfway through June 2016. Hard to believe.
My CA125 has gone up. The doctor says no change in treatment unless I start to exhibit symptoms. Still, it's disappointing. Actually more than disappointing, it's quite depressing.
My brother died last month. Out of the blue. I mean he had health issues, but he was not at death's door. It is so unfair. I will never understand why my family has had so much heartache. Seizure disorders x2, MS, death at 41, loss of parents, ovarian cancer, limb amputation and now sudden death at 61. WHAT THE HELL?! We are good people. We will do anything for anyone.
Then there's the job. There is a good chance that a different company will be managing Cincinnati Job Corps next year. I will most likely retain my job but the salary may change and I'll lose things like accumulated vacation days and sick days and eligibility for FMLA. (It usually takes a year to become eligible). I need to be eligible for FMLA.  Lots of changes. Not good ones.
I have done nothing to get the house ready to sell. I want to move but I just don't have it in me to do the prep work. It would be easier if I could buy a new place first, move and then clean this place.
I'm in a funk. A terrible funk.

I'm still here

A friend asked me how I'm doing today and reminded me that I have been ignoring my blog.
So, how am I?
Before I answer that question, let me tell you of a couple of non-cancer happenings.
Jennifer and Justin bought a house and then he proposed to her after all of the helpers went home on moving day. YAY!!
Jennifer had to put her beloved Reggie to sleep shortly after the move. This was very sad. I miss him and I didn't even see him all that much. Then I found out that the first dog I ever loved also died of cancer. Much sadness.
Elizabeth got a new job that she loves. It is great to see her so happy again!!
OK, now let's talk cancer. I only had four rounds - not because I couldn't tolerate it but because it seemed to be responding well and the doctor didn't think the two extra rounds would make a big difference. So last week,  I started maintenance chemo which is one drug every three weeks. After the final round of the aggressive part of the chemo, my hemoglobin seriously dropped as did my platelets. I had NO energy. I could barely walk five feet without needing a rest. So I had a blood transfusion. I got 2 units of packed cells which helped to point the hemoglobin in the right direction, and I got almost a unit of platelets. They stopped the platelet transfusion with about 15 minutes left because I had an allergic reaction. Still, the platelets are gradually climbing back to normal.
So here I am. Getting a little stronger every day. I still have a long way until the end, but it shouldn't be debilitating and I hope to gain strength and stamina.
Oh. One other good thing: I learned that I can make a frozen coke (icee-like) using my little ice cream maker. :)

Not quite so positive

The oncologist is fairly certain that my cancer is chronic. The goal of this chemo go-around is remission. "Cure" is pretty much off of the table. I go back and forth between anger and depression.
I start chemo again this week. This time I will have a port put in. Only one of the poisons is the same and she has added 2 new ones. I will get all three one week, one the next and one week off then repeat. This will go on for 6 sessions if I can tolerate it. THEN I continue with one of the drugs every three weeks for about another year or so.
I'm still trying so hard to figure out what I did to deserve so many bad things in my life!

and it starts all over

I had the laparoscopy yesterday. She found evidence of cancer. The gyn-oncologist seems to feel I will respond well to chemo because I did he first time. So here I go again. I AM NOT HAPPY!!