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The new floor for my bedroom is all fucked up. When the installers were here Wednesday, they discovered still dog-pee wet padding when they removed the carpet. So they advised I use Kilz on the floor. One of the guys said he would try to get here today to put down the floor. He didn't make it. The other guy said he'll try to get here tomorrow. We'll see. In the meantime, I have clothes and furniture all over the house, the floor materials in the middle of he den floor...and 30 people coming for dinner on Tuesday. Trying to stay positive but it's getting tough.

I have been noticing on facebook lately the number of widows and widowers who have found love and are either remarried or in amazing relationships. I'm coming up on 21 years as a widow and am alone. I have to wonder what went wrong for me. And now, there's really no use in looking. Who wants to enter into a relationship with someone with chronic cancer? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, and a few wonderful friends, but it isn't the same.

On a happier note, my grandson is adorable!! It's so much fun to watch him change from week to week. As long as my health hold up, I will be watching him for a few hours on Mondays when my daughter-in-law goes back to work. I am so excited to have one-on-one time with him.

Ok Martha, take a deep breath...move forward...get ready for a great holiday!

It's November

The holidays are fast approaching. I ordered flooring for my bedroom Oct. 29th and Lowes forgot to gather the in stock materials and notify the installation company. So I finally called and now the floor won't be installed until 12/19. This makes it pretty much impossible for the new bed to be delivered and assembled before Christmas. NOT HAPPY!
My CA125 (cancer marker) is slowly rising. NOT HAPPY! I'm not symptomatic though so I'll just wait to see what January's scan shows.
My grandson is amazing! He is so cute and absolutely precious. Elizabeth and Bethany are great parents. HAPPY!
That's all for now. I try to maintain control of what I can control and adapt to what I can't. I'm just a bit frightened. Now that I have my grandson, I really want to be around to watch him grow.

Nonna

I am going to be a grandma...nonna. I am so excited. Elizabeth and Bethany are expecting a boy in October. I have already started shopping. 
So, disease-wise. The latest scan (4 days ago) shows that the nodules have all gotten smaller. The scan plus multiple chest x-rays show that there is no new pleural effusion. The only downside right now is that the medication that is doing such a great job keeping the cancer under control is also causing low platelets and hemoglobin. I need to walk very slowly, I get short of breath if I don't. So that leaves out dancing. :(  The plan is to get red blood cell transfusions as needed and let the medication keep working its magic on the disease. 
I am planning a trip in September. My friend, Mary Ellen and I are taking an all-inclusive cruise of New England. 
So much to look forward to: The house is going back on the market so I hope to be moving, the vacation, then the baby. All things considered, life's not too bad. 

much improved

All sorts of events since the last post.
First the bad stuff.
For some unknown reason (although the antibiotic for the sinus infection is a suspect) my blood counts got really off. Hemoglobin dropped substantially as did the white count and, in particular the neutrophils. The doctor was quite concerned which only heightened my anxiety. And this was all happening just a week before my planned vacation (a Christmas gift from my girls) and with my insurance still hanging in the balance. So, I temporarily discontinued the oral chemo drugs, received 2 units of packed cells and 2 neupogen shots (to raise my white count). I felt pretty good after the transfusion. 🙂
Now for the good stuff.
Our vacation in Destin, Florida was exactly what I hoped for. We went to the beach and the pool. We sat on the balcony watching and listening to the ocean. We talked a lot, played games and had a fantastic time.
My blood counts are good now. Only the hemoglobin is still a little low but not enough for concern. The chest xray shows no new pleural effusion. I'm back on the chemo drugs. I am having frequent CBCs and chest xrays to keep a close eye on everything. I feel pretty good and have a more positive outlook for now.
Oh...and my insurance was FINALLY reinstated 2 days ago.

Malignant

So the fluid was malignant. The doctor seemed very concerned and spoke about the fluid coming  back. If it comes back quickly, the current med isn't working. I don't know if she heard something or what, but she sent me for a chest x-ray and I need to have another one next week to see if there's new effusion.
In the meantime, I've had an awful sinus infection. I'm miserable.
To top it all off, I have yet to receive my COBRA information. I really need to get  my health insurance up and running. I have emailed and spoken to the HR manager at Job Corps but haven't heard back yet. I know they have up to 45 days to send me the information but it's been 32 days and I am freaking out. Nothing is easy. I've about had it.
Aren't I a bundle of joy?

scared

I'm getting a little scared. It seems like one thing after another is happening. The Doxil worked briefly then there was some growth while I was still in treatment. I also ended up with pleural effusion which can be caused by ovarian cancer. ("Pleural effusion is a condition in which excess fluid builds around the lung" )Tuesday I had 900ml of fluid drawn from around my right lung. I can take a deep breath now. I still have some pain with deep breaths which should have subsided shortly after the procedure. The doctor said not to worry when I called yesterday.  Although the lab results are available in "mychart" I am not looking at them. The fluid may or may not be malignant. My research indicates that, based on its color, there is a good chance that it is. I prefer to wait for the doctor to tell me during an appointment with my daughters with me.
I am on an oral maintenance drug now. I hope it works. I am  trying to stay positive but it is difficult. I am truly afraid for the first time since the recurrence.

Enough of that...

My girls gave me a vacation for Christmas. Next month, the three of us (their spouses are staying home) are going to Destin, Florida for a few days. I am very excited about going.

My house has been on the market since August but there has been no interest. Oh well. I may or may not list it again in the spring. 


That's enough for now. I'm not exactly a bundle of laughs. I am temporarily giving in to a mild case of self pity but will rally. I just have to get used to my new normal.