Here I Go Again

The cancer has grown a bit and needs to be attacked. The hope was that I would be part of a study but I was disqualified due to a strange requirement. So Thursday I start a new poison. I will continue until it no longer works or I can no longer tolerate the side effects. This is not a 4-6 treatment plan. I am not happy.

Spring has Sprung

Jennifer and Justin's wedding was beautiful, fun, and all around perfect. The weather was beautiful. Since the officiant knows them well, he was able to personalize the ceremony to one that captured who they are. The reception was so much fun. They had a great band!!!! I danced all night.
Do you remember that part time job I was going to start? I quit before I even finished training. It just wasn't right for me. I am enjoying not working at all right now. I do go down to Job Corps for a few hours here and there to help train the new staff. That's enough for right now.
I have been going through belongings and donating a lot of items. I have also been cleaning carpets. When all is done, and the house is in pretty good order, I want to list it. I would really like to be living on one floor somewhere by the time I need aggressive chemo again. It's been almost two years so I won't be surprised if it pops up in the next year or so. I hope NOT, but I won't be surprised.
I got my hair cut. Then I wanted it even shorter with the next appointment. I like it, but plan to grow it back out to the length of the first cut. I am probably letting it go gray and really want it to be a bit softer.
Yes, I talked about my hair. That is how exciting my life is right now. My one complaint about retirement is that I spend even more time alone. I can go several days without actually seeing anyone else. I must remedy this. And I will...in time.

Time for sentimentality

18 months ago Jennifer and Justin became engaged. I had just been diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer. When they set the wedding for 18 months down the road, I worried that I may not be able to attend. But Jennifer was optimistic. And she was right. My cancer is still just sitting there quietly and the wedding is this Sunday. I will be partying with the best of them.
Now for the sentimentality part. At times like these Bob's absence is always staring me in the face. He would be so proud of the woman Jennifer has become and I know that he would love Justin. We will celebrate and the wedding will be wonderful, but just as it was when Elizabeth got married, he will be on my mind.
Also on my mind right now is my brother. He was so happy when Jennifer went to his home to tell Carol and him that she was engaged. He told her that he planned to dance at her wedding. She hoped that he would be able to walk her down the aisle. That was not to be. He will be sorely missed on Sunday.
The wedding will be wonderful and missing those who are gone will fade into the background where it belongs. Jennifer's brother will walk her down the aisle and it will be a wonderful walk. (if you're thinking that I only have daughters you are right. Jennifer has a very good friend who has been her "brother" since they met in 7th grade)
I continue to be grateful for every day, month, year that I get. I will always have this horrible disease but plan to live many years with it as my companion.
So, I cry at the drop of the hat right now. Not all of the tears are from sadness. My Jennifer is so happy. Justin is a good, caring man and he loves her so much.  Elizabeth and Bethany are happy and doing well. What more can a mother ask for?
Now...the only thing I am a bit worried about is the fact that I have not danced in a long dress in a long time...

So much has changed!

Hawaii was fantastic!! Here's a link to the pictures:  https://marthagoestohawaii.shutterfly.com/pictures

My sister had bypass surgery in October. She was quite the trooper - came through with flying colors. She is getting stronger every day. Of course, a little thing like coronary bypass surgery didn't prevent her from hosting Thanksgiving. Another amazing Thanksgiving spent with the Lushers.

Christmas was joyous. My children spoil me rotten and I spoil them all right back. The extended family joined us again for dinner and a great time was had by all.

So, remember the job that was just driving me crazy and wearing me down? It is in the past. I retired on January 6, 2017. I spent the first week resting and sleeping and am now starting small projects around the house. Next week I start training for a part time job in a pediatric office. I will be working one day/week.

The cancer seems to be under control right now and I've even lost a few pounds.

Now I get to look forward to Jennifer and Justin's wedding. I am so very excited about it.

Like I said, changes. I feel pretty damn good right now.

work is a four letterword

Work has been less than stellar of late. First my wonderful, skilled, incredible LPN up and quit. No notice. Just handed in her keys and badge to security on a Sunday. (later I would find out that a family emergency and some failed communication was in play). It should be easy to find a LPN who wants to work Monday-Friday, no weekends, no holidays, no evenings or nights. It isn't when you pay less than the average for your community. Finally I get a resume and someone interested in interviewing. He was great in the interview. I felt so lucky that the only one who was interested was such a good fit. WRONG!! He showed no initiative (certainly not self-directed at all), was slow to catch on. I didn't have a lot of time to train him but I did what I could and he assured me all was well and he was figuring things out. As a matter of fact, he said so on a Tuesday afternoon. The next morning we had new students and all of the testing, labs and paperwork that it involves. At 10:05am he told me he "just couldn't do it today". I said OK and the other staff and I stepped up. At 10:20, Tawanna (front desk clerk/dental assistant/ jane of all trades) said to me "I think he left". And he had. I understand from staff downstairs that he literally ran out of the building. So we are back to looking for a LPN and handling everything ourselves. No one to interview yet. The original LPN would like to return but upper management says no. I understand. She did leave without notice after all. But I really need someone and clinically she is amazing.
 So...today the dentist calls me tell me that he can not continue to work with the dental assistant. He feels she is actually a danger to the clinic. I got a little lost in what he was saying but the long and the short of it is that I am again faced with a dilemma. I don't have time to sit and observe them as they work to see who is right (she also claims he has some unusual practices). Interestingly enough, she has had complaints all along and I have encouraged her to talk with him. He has never said a word until now and he has never talked with her about his concerns. Why can't people communicate?  I don't want to have to worry about this shit right now!  I just can't lose another staff member or a provider. All in all, the job that I love has become so stressful over the past few months that I absolutely hate going in every day. Usually things look better when I work with the kids. Some are a pain but most are pretty good young people just trying to better their lives. But lately, it's hard to reach down and find the joy.
My trip to Hawaii is in 2 weeks and I am going whether or not we have a LPN (supposed to be getting a temp RN), whether or not the dental situation is settled. I am going to Hawaii where I will relax, rest and have fun with my dear friend, Debbie. Then I'll come home and figure out how to deal with everything - or not.

Scans and chemo and walks

I had a scan last week and it showed a couple of new areas of disease. They are small and sitting on (not in) the intestine and liver. No fluid which is a good thing. We will continue with the current course and get another scan in 3 months. This was disheartening, but to be expected. I hate this disease.

Today was the Teal Walk for ovarian cancer awareness. I was happy to be able to walk it this year. It broke my heart to see young women wearing the survivor T-shirt. The event raised almost $135,000. There was a survey asking if we think a mentoring program would be a good idea. I do. I also said that I would be willing to act as a mentor. Not everyone has the amazing support system that I have and I think I could be that for someone.

LIFE REALLY AND TRUELY SUCKS SOMETIMES!!!!

Here we are halfway through June 2016. Hard to believe.
My CA125 has gone up. The doctor says no change in treatment unless I start to exhibit symptoms. Still, it's disappointing. Actually more than disappointing, it's quite depressing.
My brother died last month. Out of the blue. I mean he had health issues, but he was not at death's door. It is so unfair. I will never understand why my family has had so much heartache. Seizure disorders x2, MS, death at 41, loss of parents, ovarian cancer, limb amputation and now sudden death at 61. WHAT THE HELL?! We are good people. We will do anything for anyone.
Then there's the job. There is a good chance that a different company will be managing Cincinnati Job Corps next year. I will most likely retain my job but the salary may change and I'll lose things like accumulated vacation days and sick days and eligibility for FMLA. (It usually takes a year to become eligible). I need to be eligible for FMLA.  Lots of changes. Not good ones.
I have done nothing to get the house ready to sell. I want to move but I just don't have it in me to do the prep work. It would be easier if I could buy a new place first, move and then clean this place.
I'm in a funk. A terrible funk.